Why do children test the boundaries? 2, 3
It is their job. It is how they learn. It may be a strong part of their temperament. Take a parenting class to learn more about the age and stage of your child.
The children need to see that the parents are a team and come first. Mom & Dad are in charge. This is not up for discussion. It is scary to a child to have all the power. The role of a parent is to encourage independence and self help skills in each child. Parenting involves a slow separation process from birth until the time the child has actually fully grown up.
Limits and routines give children a sense of security, a sense of time and a sense of family. What are limits that you consider important? You need to list these and then make time to discuss them. Consider deferring to the spouse who thinks a particular limit is especially important. You are individuals. You do not have to do everything the same way. Doing things the same way may be important especially when the child is very young. As the child gets older they can be more flexible in their thinking. Children can understand that with different people it may be handled differently, i.e., with Mom, with Dad, with a teacher, at a friend's house, etc. Try to agree on which limits are so important that you both should agree to the same limit.
If one parent is handling a situation, the other parent should walk away. If a certain type of situation is handled well by one parent, try to have that parent be the one to handle it.
Have discussions about what you disagree on when the children are not within earshot. Children seem to hear everything. What rules should you follow when having discussions? Do you need a talking stick that gets passed when it is your turn to talk? Do you need a timer to ensure that one person does not monopolize the discussion? By nature some people are loud and some people are softer spoken. Keep the discussion to one topic. Compliment each other for being willing to talk about areas of differences. It is okay to agree to disagree.
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